Friday, November 7, 2008

My worst critic

is myself...disclaimer: for those who don't want to read about breastfeeding, stop here.

We have been monitoring Reese's weight gain for the last 4 months or so. She has continued to gain weight but at a much slower rate than they have wanted. So today I went to work with the kiddos and used their infant scale. She weighed 3 ounces less today than she did 10 days ago according to their scale. Yikes!

So here's where I have been beating myself up. I have not ignored, but dismissed any concerns with her weight since she is so happy, healthy looking, and slept way better than Mason ever did at this point. Last night she woke up a couple of times so I fed her once. Apparently, she must have been hungry based on her lack of weight gain today.

So now I feel awful. My stubborn self has insisted on BF her since I did with Mason for 14 months. I have nothing against formula, it's just my personal standard I have set for myself, the first year should be breastmilk. Apparently, it's a standard I have set too high.

So like I said, I am my own worst critic. Nobody has even hinted that I would have failed as a mother to not make it a year. In fact, it's the opposite. Everyone has commended my for making it this far with two kids and working part-time. But, that's where I come in and think to myself that I have failed Reese. When in fact, I probably failed her earlier by being so stubborn and not supplementing sooner. But, I know that I have not failed her at all. Again, my own worst critic.

She just woke from a nap, I nursed her a few minutes, then gave her a few ounces of formula. It is done. I have to get over it, but it is still hard on me. Knowing that she is my last makes it even harder.

On to more important things, please keep my friend Joy and her beautiful sweet little girl in your thoughts and prayers today as they endure some more medical testing. You can read back a couple of entries and read the concern they have, plus Joy is just an amazing woman and eloquent writer willing to share her many life events.

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